thank you

thank you
Originally uploaded by jdthinker

"i used to be indecisive, but now i'm not so sure." --- unknown

... read that from a newspaper article the other day... kinda relate to it... almost at the end of the year and i'm still most uncertain about many things... and yet i am not worried... not anymore... nothing certain but uncertainty and yet in it, i know God is with me... :)

to someone who've set me on this soul journey, super thank you...

and to God for planning this grand year of a journey... thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, dear Lord! please continue to travel on with me... may i one day be of worth to do things for Your glory. :)

yey! found another lea

JEPROKS (Laki Sa Layaw) LEA SALONGA

[via FoxyTunes / Lea Salonga]

yey! found one song at least from the wonderful songs from home concert... of course there is no video but... i can almost feel i'm there just by listening... galing!

christmas octave, entry1

an import from my other blog... same thoughts just different dates... :) a couple of days after christmas... my room is an exquisite mess... wrapped and unwrapped gifts... half given, half to be given away... stuffs i have to do for work and school... my laundry, both clean and dirty... my meds and foodies... my sketches and other art stuffs...scattered in every possible place i could put them on... waiting for me to fix things up... they have to wait light years... but look at me... i have time to make a blog entry... christmas day was absolutely busy/eventful/hilarious... i have to be in three family gatherings in three different places...(four if you count the first stopover) have to be up as early as 5am and off at 6am... was home close to midnight... my body was weary i was totally sleepy but everytime i remember the moments i laugh and smile my secret smiles... i will give a more detailed entry next time... for now, i only wanted to write something of this really lovely feeling of hopefulness and wonderment... a written super thank you to the wonderful God that planned this wonderful year of a journey... my utmost gratitude, Lord to your greatness... your graces and love for me, my fam, my kins and my friends and my good friends and my real good friends and everyone who's been part of my world... thank you , thank you, thank you, thank you , thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!! i have nothing more to say... you know me and my secret smiles... please continue to travel with me... blessed be God forever.

love lea

LEA SALONGA: SONGS FROM THE SCREEN CONCERT (LIVE!)

[via FoxyTunes / Lea Salonga]

i love lea salonga... all her songs and performances... got all her albums and especially enjoys listening to her live performances... but never get to watch her except during her musicals... would very much love to one day watch her in concert ... i do not like the video here but it's all i can find.. i can't find the OPM song i particularly like... from her songs from home concert... maybe another time... so just close your eyes and listen to the songs and feel lea singing to you... you'll feel like you're there... watching her. bravo, lea!

christmas harmony

I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com.
2 day before christmas and much still to do and prep... my unworried self puzzles me... my silent friend, even more... but my trust in God sustains me and tells me that there is something more in all these... amidst the shopping and bustling... lights and tinsels, christmas trees and lanterns...... shopping... gift giving and parties... feast and reunions... there is indeed something more... i know that for me to receive my gift... i have to give a part of me... like all these songs i found... written for many different emotions and moments... all telling of one thing... love. have a merry, merry christmas! remember that God loves you and me... that is why we celebrate christmas...

feel it in the air...

Where are you Christmas Why can't I find you Why have you gone away Where is the laughter You used to bring me Why can't I hear music play My world is changing I'm rearranging Does that mean Christmas changes too Where are you Christmas Do you remember The one you used to know I'm not the same one See what the time's done Is that why you have let me go Christmas is here Everywhere, oh Christmas is here If you care, oh If there is love in your heart and your mind You will feel like Christmas all the time I feel you Christmas I know I've found you You never fade away The joy of Christmas Stays here inside us Fills each and every heart with love Where are you Christmas Fill your heart with love one of my favorite christmas songs... from the soundtrack of the grinch... sang by one of my favorite female artists... faith hill.... love the movie, too... a little over a week before christmas... much of the bustle of the season is underway... i may be feeling a bit under the weather but i know God has grand plans for me... i can just feel it... even if i question some things... i know... all is well... what is christmas? a season, a date, a day... the time where most businesses boom, a busy time at work or break from school... vacation, parties, reunion with friends, family gatherings... shopping for, giving and exchanging gifts, singing carols, putting up christmas trees, hanging parols/ lanterns, twinkling bright colored lights everywhere, setting up a nativity scene/belen... simbang gabi or misa de gallo, noche buena... bibingka, puto bumbong, queso de bola, hamon, etc... one way or another each of these activities makes us feel the spirit of christmas...hope, joy, peace and love... it is Jesus' birthday... born anew in each of our hearts... even if the manger is empty, may your hearts not be! a blessed season to all! :)

unsleep and a memory

*** this is a blog import from the other night's entry in my other blog... i can't sleep and would at least want to write a bit... i found the getty museum website the other day helping my sister research something and found a copy of the wonderful painting of the moon that i saw there last summer... it's an inspiration i would like to be able to replicate someday... i wonder when... i don't have anything else to write just that i am in phase where thinking and sleeping want one thing and the other or the same thing... work demands my energy and a new illness is claiming my body... the season of stress also beckons and yet i remain unworried except for the two letters that calls attention ever so often... flickr remain a wonderful distraction... christmas is so near and i am excited with the many possibilities it's going to bring... i remain trusting in God's wonderful plan for me... content with the unworried now and the worried somehow... mostly smiling my many secret smiles...

amihan and me

from the east i heard the foghorn screamed it's 5pm... suddenly someone came to mind... i dismissed it... outside the northeast monsoon wind... locally called hanging amihan... blows mightily... tossing everything it can... i wanted to go out and feel it on my skin but things kept me inside... it does seeps into every nook and cranny and the air's rather chilly... looking like it's going to rain but not exactly... it has been haunting since i woke up... maybe even during the night... wanting me to write... and yet there is nothing at all that is of interest to write about... just this unworriedness i've been having... i only have a short worry list now... just two letters... but i guess... the shadow of uncertainty wanted clarity... so it is claiming my attention... in an instant flash of melancholy i almost dropped to sulking mode but... i read something from a book which made me think otherwise... i am still under repair, i still have some questions... i still get impatient... but one thing is certain... God is not going to let me drop back... He is, after all, my strength. "you get impatient with your own life, trying to master a habit or control a sin -- and in your frustration begin to wonder where the power of God is. be patient. God is using today's difficulties to strengthen you for tomorrow. he is equipping you. the God who makes things grow will help you bear fruit. dwell on the fact that God lives within you. think about the power that gives you life. the realization that God is dwelling within you may change the places you want to go and the things you want to do today. do what is right this week, whatever it is, whatever comes down the path, whatever problems and dilemmas you face -- just do what's right. maybe no one else is doing what's right,but you do what's right. you be honest. you take a stand. you be true. after all, regardless of what you do, God does what is right: He saves you with His grace." --- Max Lucado

title change

i started this blog with loving the rain... i love it still and the moments and memories it brings... but since having this soul vacation... i have written more than just rain lessons and memories... i thought it best to change the title... chancing upon my sister reading lea salonga's blog on multiply... i got inspired by her blog title... so... i sort of adapted it... because mostly... these thoughts are about the many things i see, sense, think and believe... the many selves and pieces of me... hoping to finally be whole... with God's help and grace. interestingly, one of the songs that inspired me to set on this journey is also from lea... do you hear it -- from her inspired album... okay... so, she has inspired me in more ways than one... thank you, ate lea!

a sort of epic dream

i fell asleep early this afternoon... only did a bit of work... even now... i am part sleepy... during that nap... i had a dream... i can't really be certain... it was one of those fast-paced ones that you figure yourself into and then realize it's just a dream... in it were people i know... some friends, relatives and celebrities... one particular part disturbs me... in this part a friend who was gay(in real life and in the dream) was helping us enter a sort of club... he seems to have a past with the guy on the front door and they have a little discussion... then the next scene we were inside.. there we were... a couple of friends, cousins and a celebrity whom i can't remember the name but i really like. she sits next to me on the lounge... we were reading a letter written by my gay friend and it was a deep and apologetic letter... regretting his mistakes and some other... i'm not sure but it seems to make sense in the dream... seem to be saying goodbye to us... then i told them..."i don't think it's the end... there is something more in this..." then the partition between rooms slid open and a former classmate who seem to be the club owner emerges... he said... oi! to us because he seem to recognize us then... he said wait ... i had a feeling that my gay friend will be appearing soon... indeed, he does! silhouetted behind the curtain... he seem to be in sort of a ritual or surgical operation... then he said something about removing his member, too... so it won't be a problem anymore... we watched the scene... all of us there... the celebrity... who is particularly close to me in the dream... hugs me... and i held her... she was crying... somewhere in me, i felt she's in love with my gay friend (i silently felt repulsive but my loyalty to my friends remained...)so... there we were watching... he being dis-membered... then because of loosing too much blood... he dies...(i was sort of relieved, i'm not sure why) but then... something emerges from the body (and this is very vivid in my mind right now...) a sort of monster... greenish-black thing - similar looking to those in the species movie... the male being was being taken away... then another one a female... revealed herself and took him back... at that moment, i sensed my celebrity friend weeping more intensely... as we held each other... and then it was revealed that there was a smaller being... an offspring of the two... somehow i felt that it was me... my celebrity friend looked at me and we both weeped most uncontrollably... i'm not sure what happened after... i do not think that my gay friend lived or resurrected... but i am certain that the 3 beings... father, mother and child were together somehow... a revelation in a way.... i have no idea. all i'm certain is it feels almost dejavu... like that was my past life... so maybe, i am a product of a gay man and a beautiful celebrity... of a relationship that can not be... a monster that is not to be... but in the dream... i felt intense love coming from my celebrity friend... i also realized that, maybe that is why we are particularly close is because we have a past life together... wow! i still feel the strong emotion from it.... i will have to analyze this dream more... i will pray to God to help me discern... it may mean something that i have to learn and realize in my waking life... something that i see as inhuman but is in actuality far more sacred... i have half-promised not to blog... but that dream needed release... i hope i will not miss the message that it is telling me... i suddenly remembered my silent friend... i wonder, if there is any dream that disturbs her? maybe... she has trouble sleeping, too... whom does she share them with? for me, i have an entire world to help me figure things out... and an Almighty God to make sure i don't get caught in a nightmare by screwing things up... from today's catextism : " faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." C.S.Lewis

28days... and sort of going public

i went to hear the 4pm mass alone today... yes, i am mostly healed... only my hand still bothers me and my amazing sleep pattern that is not particularly restful. after the mass i thought i would buy some bibingka for the park was littered with them stalls... but there were many people who have the same idea... so i thought, i'll just skip it and buy donuts instead... then from the corner of my eye... i saw some one familiar... my friend issa and her hubby... eating there... aha! she hasn't seen me since the last she visited so... i thought i'll surprise her... and indeed she was... pretty na daw ako uli... and she loved my hair! of course i have to retell the story for gus but it's okay... he said it doesn't show much... they treated me for puto bumbong and we chatted for a while and then they dropped me home... nice no? my 4th public appearance and i lit 14 candles for a million wishes, said a million thank yous to God and i get to meet friends too... and take some flickr shots... sweet! oh! you didn't know that i had a third public appearance... last friday night... i get to watch my cousin-priest's band's concert...( the levites -- an all priest band from our diocese) i thought it okay because it was nearby and it was night... no sun to harm my skin... it was a nice one... they have a new repertoire... unlike during the past times i get to watch and i sort of memorized all their songs na... anyhow... even if the crowd was energyless, the audience being mostly old folks... being a church fund raising show... the message was really nice and i thought it nice to have ended the month of november with such grace... as i said in my flickr photo... i started the month with a blast that changed me... i ended it with another one that sustained me... ain't God grand!? so... what to do tomorrow? almost work... study and my sketches... maybe i'll try to shun away from my cyberself for a while... i'm running out of thoughts to share... somehow... i seem to want something else to do to channel my energy... i'll think of something... i'm best at that naman... me pa? from today's catextism: you will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside. -- Oswald Chambers indeed!

of sexy angels and silly soldiers

this is an import from my other blog because i didn't have time to update this one last thursday... due to my siblings' need for the computer... anyway.. i will just add additional thoughts on the subject... see below... :) just a little more love just a little more peace is all it takes to live and dream to walk hand in hand we've got to understand that one day soon we'll live in harmony...

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2006 - Part 1

[via FoxyTunes / Victoria's Secret]

i just love watching the victoria's secret fashion show... they give sexiness a happy and fun personality... they are sexy... but never improper nor vulgar, or of bad taste nor perverse.

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2006 - Part 2

[via FoxyTunes / Victoria's Secret]

the models are really a delight to watch... they all look like they are having a lot of fun...even if all of it was work... though they are not wearing much.. they make it look cute and sexy and not nasty and indecent...

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2006 - Part 3

[via FoxyTunes / Victoria's Secret]

and you know, too, that it is the collective creative effort of so many people behind the scene -- everyone... from the designers to the models, makeup artists, stylists, production people, staffs and crew... they each show so much effort...

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2006 - Part 4

[via FoxyTunes / Victoria's Secret]

it's just something that makes you feel you are part of the fun and creative atmosphere... even if you are just watching.

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2006 - Part 5

[via FoxyTunes / Victoria's Secret]

there's a new one out and my siblings and i were waiting for it on cable but... it has yet to be shown... i was going to write more about the new victoria's secret fashion show... but another news caught my attention today.... another hotel siege just today! i guess, these are really trying times for the country... we just weathered a couple of typhoons and now on the news is something of a mutiny from the infamous magdalo group... at the manila pen, no less... wow! why do they like hotels? sosyal naman nila... siguro, para maganda accommodations... oh well... anyway, i guess, i should really be worried... but as it is... i am not... why question the path of circumstances... fate has a hand on things... God knows each movement and thought of every little soul there is... a battalion of soldiers who seem to lose hope and faith in the government is not something to escape His attention... i'm sure God will protect the filipino people... there are just things that have to be learned in all these... sana lang, all those concerned will have wisdom enough to discern rightfully... and not ignore the obvious problem... for the soldiers who are meant to protect the people are confusing...too aggressive, they act too harshly and not thinking right... not calm at all... they were meant to break the tension not be the cause of tension... maybe they should have just watched the victoria's secret fashion show... so there, the country had another new story to bask in... mud slinging and buck passing to the maximus... in all the reactions i read on the papers and heard on commentaries... one thing emerges... the scorn towards the rashness of last thursday's coup attempt... sigh. it was really a stupid thing to do... to think that they are supposedly bright soldiers... young officers with so much idealism and love for country... sigh, again. i know many doesn't like the way the government is dealing with the country's problems... many, still, hate the president for her many lacks... but still... but still... sigh, again. whoever is to lead us from the harm that we ourselves may be causing... my favorite book... calls the filipinos as " a people who eat fire and drink water..." yeah! we are... we... are so still... are... even if the setting of that book was ages ago... the essence still applies today... because we hope that one day we will learn from our mistakes... sigh, again. i don't have any suggestions except prayers... may all our heroes from the past revolutions pray for this country... and all the new heroes pray and act accordingly... that includes you and me... dear Lord, please heal this broken land of ours...

underway

20 days. and healing is underway... i go hear mass tomorrow, for the first time since the accident... i have much to be thankful for... the physical one and the spiritual one... hope is sent in a way... a sparkle of clarity where there was only darkened uncertainty... i guess that is the most relieving of all things... since my burns are only superficial... meds can heal them and as the body has a self-healing mechanism... i am sure of things renewing... but the burning thoughts. they are the hardest to ignore... physical pain doesn't bother as much when one is asleep but mental and emotional ones seep into ones being even during sleep... i am thankful that God has kept His silence... for i have discerned that in not pushing things... everything falls into place... as GCF noted in one of the articles in her book, a spiritual pillow book -- "everything had come into place... as it always does when you do not try to control, if you just wait." in the coming weeks, i begin yet again... a new chapter... how many beginnings am i allowed to have? it seems that all my starts never had completions nor endings... just an eternal continuity of things... overlapping, intertwining and intersecting... of lives and selves and thoughts and moments... nothing certain but uncertainty... and the faith and trust in God that my little soul is banking on... i am okay. all is well. what is there to fear? nothing more. God is with me in all these. thank you, dear Lord, my strength!

burnt series

all these entries are imports from my other blog about my accident and the healing process... starting: nov6 -- eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to scratch my face! the pain has eased and i can partly used my left hand now... my face is itching (healing burns itch as it is) and in not wanting to scratch i chose to blog.... but what do i write? i think even my thoughts are scorched... let's see.... i already did my flickr updates and friendster check, plus my other blog so what else is there to write? i helped a friend today... she came to visit me and i ended up imparting to her some of my lessons on this experience... hopefully, i did well on that and she will find some use with what i told her... even if we sort of have different situations... "don't worry, sis... kaya yan! God has planned things for us even before we choose or decide anything... will be praying for you..." i wanted to write to another friend but i'm not sure if it's appropriate right now... we haven't been in touch for a while but i sure have a lot of things which i wish to share with her... i wonder when will the right time be? i miss talking to her... "well, sis... whenever you are ready, i'm just here... though a bit injured now. i may not be like your other friends but i can be of use sometimes... will always pray for you... in God's time, we'll see each other again... for now, we each have to be..." i've sketch one tree but i haven't taken a picture of that... i'll be drawing another soon...i've two paintings in line... one for a cousin and another for a friend... i still have tons of leaf art to deal with and lots of clothes to put bead designs on... so, how? with my injury.... good luck to me!itchy talaga! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nov7 -- okay! my left hand has started to ache again... my face still itches and my right hand needs something else to do so it won't scratch... so i blog again... this will go on for a time, i guess... my sister, whose birthday is today, told me i looked like a clown... kinda... no brows and dark smudge on the cheeks... at least i can make someone smile... the wounds are healing so that's a good sign. the thing is... i look really diff and not very pretty... yet i am not feeling so bad about this whole accident... i can smile and laugh as before. although my energy level is below average and i feel feverish in the afternoon... i still feel happy. tinkerbelle happy. weird, yet not really. as i told my friend yesterday... had i been the person i was before i will be wallowing in self pity and questioning God about this whole thing... but amidst all these... i only feel certainty. only one thing remain in question and that has always been the unanswered one for many months now... i will leave that there and wait for God to heal that wound, too... as much as He is healing my burns right now...incidentally, she called earlier to say she's all better now... and was really grateful for my advice... so that's good thing. despite of my injury i have helped ease someone else's pain... aww! nice feeling! happy for her and myself... as for my other friend... as always, blessed silence... so it isn't time, then. though i wonder, how will she react if she knew i got burned...??? ah well... that's the least of my worries... although, honestly... i am not worried at all... God is at work as always despite the unfortunate events... i really feel okay... well, except for the physical discomforts... i wonder if this is the sustainable joy that a podcast many months ago proclaims... hmmm??? whatever... all i know is i'm grateful to God still... "so, thank you po, Lord! panalo po talaga kayo sa pagkaspontaneous!" ps: i have done one blouse for beading so that's progress for work. a sketch in draft and i think i'll browse my course study later... but then... i may write another entry later... nov8 -- question: if i really feel bad about my burns, why can i smile at myself at the mirror? answer: because i really don't... i know God is healing my broken self right now... inside out... and that is not head knowledge... i really believe that! mom bought me flowers today...yey! i got to take a shower today, for the first time since the accident... yey! my left hand still has blisters as big as the sea... but i'd rather have that than a leathery rubbery skin which meant 3rd degree burns... my face still itches and is currently peeling... i can see pink skin now... yey! so what has come to pass since last entry... hhhmmmm??? yesterday was my younger sis' birthday... she had an impromptu dinner for kins nearby and they had baked mac and pork barbeque on stick . ok... is there pun in the menu? are they making fun of me... nah! that's just the quickest thing to prepare... they brought cake and ice cream i was told... so my kins went up to my room to see me... everyone surprise and sorry for me... they were all not quite believing things that such can happen to me... but i was okay with things i told them that this was just a way for me to be, well out of reach for a while... it means i have time for myself... and that God has this grand plan for me... hello... had i not been telling that all this blog time i had since the very beginning? right! earlier in the evening, my friend visited again, and another friend whom i haven't seen in over a year now, texted to check on me, i thought my other friends have told her about my condition... well, turned out they didin't... she said she just thought of me so she made kumusta... wow! talk about synchronicity... anyhow, i checked my flickr page last night and there were cool comments which were really sweet... and today, another cousin, came earlier to visit and she too, couldn't believe that this happened to me... i had the same dialogue... you think i should just record a reply? but of course, i know they are all just concerned about me... i'm not like out of the woods yet... it's just i'm having a grand time looking at the trees and enjoying the nature trek... if you know what i mean... anyhow, i know i said i am cool about all these, yet i made a vow not to go downstairs until i heal...of course i wouldn't want people to see me this way... unpretty... that isn't contradicting my positivity... it's just being really honest... for i don't want people to talk about me and them burst my happy bubble with some comment... safer upstairs... in my room... best place on earth... filled with creative energy... sketch, read and design... of course i haven't studied yet... bad me! it's because my wounds are bothering my concentration... i start tonight... promise! i'll try my hardest to at least get through study unit one... or even a fraction...from today's catextism : " your worse days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace." that said... i'm really all good! thank you all for the prayers... nov10 -- i wanted to write another entry last night, but the computer was goofy... so, i channeled my energy in designing bead works... okay... just one for one blouse... the other being for a wedding gown; and since my left hand is out of use for the time being that would have to wait. so, how am i? half my face is pink... i have an angelina jolie profile (sorry, ange', couldn't help adding) . well, for me anyhow... i smile at myself at the mirror every time i get to look... wala lang! it's like i have a secret smile that i can't share... i just feel light-hearted... but the bothering bit is my hand... i can't have it any other way but raised up... if i so as slightly dangle it, blood rushes to them fingers and it isn't a wonderful feeling... but i'm still good, other than that. yesterday, i heard the musical lighter dad gave when i needed to re-light the oven that fateful sunday noon... it has this mo-shi-mo-shi-a-no-ne song... and suddenly, it dawned to me... a flash of recollection: i flicked the lighter and sing it did... i said to myself, "cute naman, may music." and then, i lit the candle... stab it at the oven burner and the next sound was "swoooooosh!" no time to shout or anything... such a sudden burst... but i did have the presence of mind to turn the gas off before i went inside the house... fast forward: i thought that there was no warning before this change set itself upon me... but there was... it said:' hello! 'and then bam! how many lives change with one hello? mine have been changing almost every month... sometimes with signs, often none at all but blessed silence... subtle changes, unseen and unnoticed yet taking root... this burst of humility is something that is more... uhm... tangible... since a physical change came with it... but... i think it is something like an exam for me... on how i did in the learnings i had in the prior months of this whole year of a journey... so did i pass? apparently, so... but i know... there is so much more to come... couple of months back... all my entries are telling of things that are amidst that i can't point a finger to... and here it is now, change. it actually needed my left hand and face as props... seems to tell me that logic and appearance should be temporarily shelved if not thrown out the window... it's not what i think or what i look like but what i feel inside my heart that is most important. this is after all, a journey of faith... " you are not humble when you humble yourself, but when you are humbled by others and you bear it for Christ." - the way no.594 nov12 -- everything is superficial. --- my cousin roche' s blast on her untouched 360 page. i sure would like to disagree... for i am always someone who delve deeper into things even if they are as simple as an ant walking on my pillow... (which i believe, means i'm sweet.) but at the moment, i only like to borrow the last word... superficial... my facial burns are that... most scabs have cleared and i can see much of my face now... i am reminded of rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer and my great big bro said i look like patch, our cat... my hand still gives me a hard time, although i can move it... it isn't as grotesque as it was a couple of days ago... but it still look like a horror flick prop to me. indeed, i am healing. and mostly, i thank God for that. and also, my family, kins and friends for their care and support... for they are each a piece of God here on earth... i wonder if they realized that... that we are all healing in a way... for i am not the only one injured here... when this accident happened, i affected lives... although i am the one to endure the physical pain... all the lives of everyone around me... from my family to the people who work for us to the clients we make clothes for, people who knew me one way or another... even the drugstore owner mom bought my meds from, the women she buys fish or chicken or meat or grocery from... all got burned in a way... and as i am healing, they each are a part of my healing... and maybe i am part of theirs, too... in a way... even if all i can be for the moment is be a happy burnt person... consider things... nope, roche... not everything is superficial... in my world, anyway. from yesterday's catextism: God appoints our graces to be nurses to other men's weaknesses. -- Henry Ward Beecher nov13 -- had another shower today, still, i can smell the burnt scent... i guess the memory will linger for a while... i only look like rudolph now... for it's only my nose that has scabs... my face is pink... my cousins who came visited yesterday said i'm pretty again... thank you! my hand is a bit better now... although, with open wounds it's more prone to infection now... so although my face is clear... my hand is more vulnerable... still needs time... i just don't get to have regular sleep these past nights because of the discomfort and so i sleep most of the day... or like now, blog or surf to channel the attention somewhere... i wanted to write a poem... i saw a blog yesterday that has pretty neat ones but i'm not inspired to write one ... just that i want to write one... there is a difference. last night, i slept at 1am, then woke at 3am... couldn't sleep ... so i sketched another tree... i'm proud of myself with that because it's a new design... but still a tree... and i was wide awake until daybreak... i watched the sun creep up from behind the trees... the view from my window changing colors... indigo... purple... red... orange... yellow... blue... green... okay! maybe that was not the exact order... but if i could open the window and take a picture, i would have... but i can't so i just watched it... asi and yuri, the tenant mayas at my bird house was at the tree branch chirping the morning on... the shrike, too announces itself to be around... my day begins anew... i felt sleepy sometime past six... so i did. i had a dream... hazy.... about being wrapped in someone's arms... someone embracing me telling me all will be alright... and me saying yes, indeed all is well... but i do not see a face... just a figure... someone familiar... but i do not really recognize from waking life... you know how you dream of people you know so well in your dreams but are not really known to you in real life... like that... she (i believe it's female because there is a certain comfort and serenity only found in a gentle spirit) was someone i must know forever but haven't met yet... or she could be my other self assuring me that i am reading everything quite right... anyway, i like my dream... it was one of those dreams you feel wonderful about upon waking... dad woke me past 7 for my milo... but i was too sleepy to get up... mom woke me again so i got up drank it then went back to sleep... my friend, issa, came to drop something off... but she didn't wake me... she called just a couple of hours go and said she didn't see me because i was under the covers and that she'll see me another time... two other friends now know about my accident... one, pat, who's in canada... and whose birthday was yesterday... BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY! i greeted her yesterday so i told her to check this blog for the details... i believe she reads this na. and another one, izzi, who lived in the next town... who was here yesterday because her mom was here, and she (the mom) got into an emergency... nose bleed that was caused by high blood pressure... so my mom (yesterday) was all frantic... i wasn't of any help except to call my friend and tell her what went on... she (my friend) texted earlier to ask about me... say that all is ok with her mom... so... all is well... as i was always saying... God is really working at things... maybe my next entry... i can write a poem... why don't i scout my old notebooks for something? hmmmm? i'll do just that... nov15 -- it's raining outside. the weather is cold - baguio-y... or tagaytay- ie, if you like... i guess it appeals to my situation... great for resting and sleeping ... and it doesn't add to the pain at all... my left hand is not so grotesque, anymore... the wounds are healing... but i still can't make a fist with it... it's a bit sore on the knuckles... but i can use it to type one or two keys ... and as for my face... pretty pink and 3 dots on the nose... i feel itchy still... but less so... i can still taste burnt skin sometimes with my mouth still a bit swollen than normal... and then i sometimes sense the smell of fresh wound or is that fresh skin? i still feel rather delicate and tender... but i'm well... i've done the wedding gown designs and they are in the works now... the only problem is the wedding accessories... i personally do them... by hand... so that would have to wait till my hand heal completely. i do hope all is well out there... for i am getting on rather okay here... oh! and i wrote a new poem: the ajarred door did you knock? for i did not. i just noticed that the door was open. did you call out? for i did not. i just felt i'm being summoned. are you scared? for i am. but i took one brave step... in faith. are you there? for i am here. looking silly, waiting and uncertain. it's really cold... the air gives bouts of nostalgia... love to sit and sip and think... later i shall study... today's is my paternal grandmother's heavenly birthday... obviously, i can't go to mass or visit her grave... but i prayed for her soul and i know she is praying for me and the rest of the fam. happy birthday up there, nanay! we miss you! nov17am -- my hair looks like agyness deyn's, the model... except hers is blond and she's sporting a better hairstyle... my brows are growing back... half of what it used to be... though i think i will have a better brow shape in the end. and i think my lashes are too... but they're not really that burnt, just at the tip... and there's a little scab that won't leave my nose... looks just like a blemish but not exactly. my lips, are still a bit swollen... so i still am part angelina jolie-ish... hehehe... a pimple that was there before the accident decided to show up... why it didn't burn? i'd never know... but then, maybe because certain burning thoughts never go away... and it's a reminder. my left hand is half mobile and is not that aching... just bothersome at times... it's itchy now so i know it's healing... peeling where there is less damage... though there are still wounds... but i see pink mostly where there used to be darkened skin. and i can still sense the burnt smell sometimes and have that bitter aftertaste every time i swallow or wet my lips... but i'm healing pretty good... in contrast to the other day's weather, it's rather humid today... i can work now a bit... designing in recluse as always... which reminds me... i've to stop this now.... to give way to fashion research... hehehe... my lessons are on pause mode... because the next time i go over them it's exam #1... so need to re-channel before study proper... so i'm moving along, indeed! from today's catextism: a servant of the Lord stands bodily before men, but mentally he is knocking at the gates of heaven with prayer. --- John Climacus nov17pm -- my face is 99% clear! the small scab on my nose is tinier because it came off when i cleansed my face a while ago... and our dermatologist/client sent over some cream to put on my face... so i'll try that later... it's really cool watching myself heal... although it isn't the instant kind like that of the cheerleader character in heroes, the series... but still amazing, because during my prior entry much of my skin was pink now in some of the sections my normal skin color is becoming... ang galing ng body natin, no? self-healing! wait! i remember an article in one of my fave books... " why does my cut finger go back to normal after a few days? interwoven into my physical body is a natural healing force, my etheric body. it is a deep level of intelligence that directs the rebuilding of molecules and cells and keeps the form of my physical body basically the same. sometimes called the life body or vital spirit (qi or chi in chinese health system, prana in india), it governs all the living processes in my body such as breathing, growing, and procreating. without qi, my physical body would be nothing but a corpse: all cells would quickly dissolve into the mineral substances it is composed of and reunite with the earth, with it, i am an organism, a "hive of being." --- MNF, Four-dimensional Me (from a Spiritual Pillow Book written with GCF) so there, much of the amazement is explained... you would have to read the book to understand the other 2 dimensions of ourselves... but even there, it is only shortly explained... but you'll get the point somewhat. i wish i could write the entire article but it's rather lengthy. besides... i think, it's something you'd like to own yourself... so go buy the book, if you like. nov18 --two weeks to the day since the accident. the third sunday that i failed to go to church and hear mass... i heard mass on tv though... rather late because i thought it was at 7am and it turned out to be at 6am... ah, well... maybe i could catch another later... anyhow, my cousin priest, kfcd... came and visited even for just a moment to check on me... he was on his way to a funeral mass for a dead relative... so there... God sent me a personal blessing... he was always the joking bit... kidding me that he would have liked to see my ati-atihan face ( that's the sun-burned cat face i had)... said something about, "ate ka na nga... nag ati-atihan ka pa...hahahaha!" but was relieved to see that my face is clear... maybe if God will it, i'll be ready to join them on friday for our cousins only night out... a treat by two of my other cousins, ron and hubert. well, cross your fingers for me, coz i can't cross mine yet... i sure don't want to miss the fun... but you'll never know... incidentally, it his ( kfcd) 19th sacerdotal anniversary tomorrow... i dunno what the celebration will be...maybe his parish planned something... anyhow, so... my face is clear now... pinkish and itchy, but clear! yey! my lips are still a bit swollen on the upper lip and i can still sense that burnt smell and that fresh new skin... and the bitter aftertaste, too... but i can wear my retainers now so... i'm better... i can wiggle my fingers and it doesn't hurt much... i still can't make a fist... but i can type a bit... and move things and stuffs... so it'll only be a while till i can be fully functional... and can go out... at first op, will be a hair cut... i know i will be sporting an agyness hairstyle for a while but... i'm not complaining... i like her naman, she's pretty and sort of famous... an artist/model. i'm an artist/everthing else - close enough. nov19 -- i have a wonderful sleeping pattern... (that is sarcastic.) my timezone is of some other continent's... i am awake in the wee hours and sleep most of the day... even before the accident i am so much of a sleepyhead... but it still feels weird because i still wake early enough and my sleeps are often broken... mostly just a couple of hours and i am used to having full restful sleeps... i guess that's why i tire easily still - my lack of good sleep... so anyhow this morning, i was awake rather early and was sketching clothes designs and after which my new tree sketch... i got an early bird text from my friend, larz checking on me... she is the first one to know of my accident... i told her to read this blog for the details... i guess she'll be reading this by now... i had the most adventurous dream but i 'd like to think about it on my own for a while... nov21 -- my hand is half healed now, it's color is cherry pink and mocca... i think there are four different shades in it... but it's still rather delicate... everything i touch seem to be rough and sharp... so i still favor the other hand... but i have to do the wedding accessories now... have no choice the wedding is on saturday... my sister is egging me to go have a proper haircut now... i am mobile of course, but i still am part invalid... my brows and lashes seem to be renewing pretty well... maybe... if i'm brave enough... we will go later... after all, there are still bits of burnt hair that need to be trimmed... and i have to have my agyness haircut, don't i? i've done another sketch and half start with another... for i still am awake in the wee hours... but i do get to design stuffs during those creative moments ... so... i guess, that's good... i just wish that some thoughts leave me alone... and let me be... burn, darn thoughts, burn! but i have to be calm and trust God... my healing is inside and out... and my body is almost fully healed... my soul will take time... nothing is instant... i should know that... i have done my exam draft and read part of my readings... there is much learnings ahead... really... another chapter of my journey begins... God is with me on this, i know... for the liturgical year, advent starts next week... so, Christmas is here... (suddenly, remembered my list of inaanaks...) but here in the country where the season started as early as september and actually never ends... it's been always here! my next entry will be the last of the getting burned ones... who knows what i get to write after that... nov23 -- the last of my burnt series... although i'm not fully healed because there is still raw skin on my hand and my face still feel rather delicate against the element... i am not quite sure i'm ready to venture out of my private universe just yet... maybe next week... we'll see... i have gone public yesterday, though, and had my haircut and have to tell my story several times because people in the hair salon were clients of ours as well... they all said i am blessed... (i'm sure God knows how grateful i am) ...of course that is after laughing at my dorky hair..., then my hair stylist... gave me a trim so, i kinda look agyness-ish now... hair's the shortest cut i ever had... and my brows are growing back as you know... i still am awake in the wee hours and most of the morning... so i fell asleep right after bath... i just woke up several minute ago... and it's after lunch already... i did get to finish my 12th tree sketch and read one of my readings... still thinking if i'm going to join the cousins for the night out later... i dunno... i want to be in on the fun but do i have the energy to... i may just be a drag all night... not that i'll be asleep but that i may just bore them to death... (why does that sound like dejavu? i think i told that to someone , once upon a time...) but of course, they do want me to come... it's a bonding thing... so, anyhow... they're off at 3pm and it's almost time now... do i? my mind is still half asleep... but i think it's best not to join them... i will just be a cloud of worry... at least they will miss me and most probably bring me lots of pasalubong.... hehehe... so it is! i'm not going! is that the old me or the new me deciding? is it courage or chickening out? is it trusting God or doubting Him? wel, all i'm certain is... i already decided... told my #1 cousin, i'm not going... (because, i cant join the overnight thing, my brother and i would have to commute, so we could go home... but i can't be one-handed commuter and worry everyone at that...) so, unless some of God's surprise do a last minute thing... i'm not going... that is sad... but it's what, i believe, would Jesus do? ps: there is a glimmer of hope thrown my way from the darkened direction i long wanted to forget... maybe, maybe... God doesn't want me to sever anything yet... hold on, i must... i wait, then... pressing on... " so, Lord, i go move along now... i know You'll be with me on this new chapter like you always have been... if i waiver and falter... please, dont let me go... so that one day i may be worthy of your graces and be of use for your glory... my burns have healed but please continue to heal me and everyone... and much of what is broken in this world... thank you , thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. "

music memory

wilson phillips... wendy, carnie and chynna... the three wonderful women who introduced me to pop music... many years back... they remain a special part of my life... in many, many ways... i miss their voices but then we all have to move along sometimes... maybe one they soon, they'll surprise us...

a praying heart, some thoughts and a poem

(another import from my other blog... a poem i know by heart since high school although i did not write it... i know that even if i can't seem to pray, each thought is a prayer already... and God is hearing them as i think... such wonderful assurance that even when things are not so good... God will be there to make us happy... if not hopeful in everything.... for every journey i ever took in this life... for everything i ever aimed to be and wished to have and achieve... for everything i did and didn't do... for family, relatives and good friends... for every person i have ever met and encountered... and touched somehow... for the great soul i have the chance of traveling with even for only a short while... and for the wonderful souls i have the grace and honor of sharing a world with... for hopes and dreams... faith and love... and, too, for everyone who ever needed solace and comfort... do not be afraid, blessed souls... we have it all along... it is with us... with our little faith, we have God's enormous love for us as a back up... people will not always be there when we need them but God will always be... that much is true...affirm and believe... Christ have conquered the world for us... " faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservations." --- elton trueblood )

i looked for you among the friends i got but their unaffected insincere laughter jarred in my ears searched for you among my kinsfolk but i found i was out of place sadly i turned to my books they told me somewhere you could be found the birds the flowers the haunting melody of a dying day all these proclaim you exist i extended my arms to grasp you and hold you tight in my hungry heart what did i found emptiness oh beloved where art thou mournfully i trudge the lonely path the shadows are falling from a nearby chapel the angelus bell announces the hour when love came to this world sweet peace calm benediction ineffable joy from the red flickering vigil light

cool player for some of my fave OPM artists songs

i have discovered MyFlashFetish.com and is currently loving making cool mp3 players of all my fave songs... just kinda frustrating when i can't find the songs i particularly like... since not every song is uploaded for sharing... but it's a really cool site... i'm pretty much healing now... my face is mostly clear of the scabs and my left hand is of some use... but it still look grotesque and aches when i put it down... so i have a sling now... as for the waiting that is eternally going to be... i don't have anything to achieve in worrying about it... but it still comes to mind ever so often... but i have said my piece, threw my last and so... and so... i should stop... just enjoy my songs if my thoughts bore you... they do pretty well in making me feel so much better... and it's going to rain as the air proclaims... so all is well... indeed. these particular songs on tape are all OPM - original pilipino music - mostly of my two fave artists - rivermaya and barbie almalbis... the others are runners' up... hopefully i can find their other songs in the future to add to the collection... really loving myflashfetish!!! heaven sent! enjoy! I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com.

the stairs

whatever is there to ask for i have enough and so much more comparing to many i am blessed though not all i've most of what i wanted i have been thinking a lot of late trying to ponder my would be fate but i realized that when i took this journey i have given up control and certainty today i remember one dream that woke me from my sleeping about someone whom i never expected to become a friend much more a kindred so i come full circle with regards to the date still most uncertain but more or less great sometimes willing sometimes doubtful trying to be brave but mostly hopeful there is something amidst i sensed it though i don't think i'll ever grasp it the Lord our God has planned everything i press on trusting Him wholly for my being (another import... but i did wrote this poem... valid last august... but it still means the same now as it was then)

wanderers

"we are all wanderers on this earth, our hearts full of silver song, our pockets deep with dream." i read that somewhere and it made me think how everyone struggles to survive life and how each person's decision affects somebody else's. it's like each life is entangled with another, it seems we are all connected. we are given this borrowed life so we can do something for God: to share His love and blessings with one another. and come to think of it, aside from the few saintly souls that mirror God's goodness, the rest of us are either too busy getting (or wanting to get) rich and/or wallowing in the misery we chose our lives to be in... we end up wasting our efforts in doing things that are either useless or fruitless or too complacent... we become so self-absorbed that we never realize how we affect other people's lives... we forgot that we are all trying to make it through... we forgot that God has so much blessings... that each of us can benefit from them if we only stop for a moment and take a look around... we forgot that we all have dreams and we cannot achieve them with just ourselves doing the trying... no man is an island... other people need our help as much as we need theirs. (another import... what can i say... i'm pretty much having a blogger block... it does seem applicable still)

sleeping

it took five minutes of my time, but i didn't realize it until it was over. and during that moment, other people's lives went on, while mine stood still. i slept. nothing fascinating, but somehow, the catnap triggered an alarm in my head. there seem to be a voice saying, " you have to wake up, sleepyhead." this wasn't about the forty winks i just had, but of the slumber that i still have to wake up from. the one, i'm still dreaming in, where some dreams can turn into nightmares. and now as i stir to wake, one such nightmare has me by the neck and refuses to let go. my passion in life seems non-existent. i have wasted so much time trying to do what others expected of me. all my dreams seem way too unreachable to pursue. i fear i am going nowhere and that my entire being has been wasted. i don't know, i feel so hopeless. over two decades old and i feel my only accomplishments are improvised pasta recipes, half-finished essays and drawings of clothes for vain women. i usually find something good in everything, but recently, everything seem so desolate and everyone seem impossible. i do not understand. am i going thru a phase? or is this another of life's blows? somehow death knocking at my door seem more appealing than this... my heart feels so heavy. i am so tired. may be i should just give up and let this nightmare consume me... no! i am stronger and wiser than how i portray myself to be. i know all these things happened because i let it. i chose these things. somehow they are the results of my choices a long time ago. i can only think of one way to fight this nightmare. and that is to arm myself with faith, God will help me turn it to a sweeter dream. and i will be hopeful again. (import this from my other blog ---- i wrote this prose several years back... chancing upon it again... i realized how similar things were then with this journey i'm going thru... may differ in some levels but in many ways the same... like trekking the same path only with different gears... i believe it's God's way of purifying my faith... i am still being chiseled and crafted according to His perfection...)

i have done so

i have written my last letter to the great one. i only wanted to thank her... so i did so... for without her past help i wouldn't be who i am today... it does matter if she reply anymore... God will deal with that for me... that is not my worry now... my injuries are healing. my face is peeling and i can now see pink skin where once brown scabs were. my left hand, though is grotesque... looks like one of the horror flicks scare props... but it isn't as swollen and i can move the fingers a bit... the arm itches like crazy, though... which keeps me awake... but i am healing... and inside, too. my heart is light... despite my burned self... i do not feel an ounce of grudge to God for letting this happened... i am so okay. in fact, i was even able to help a friend who visited me the other day... and she was really grateful and i am really pleased with myself that i was able to be of help... reminds me of my silent friend... that is why i wrote her a letter... because i was bursting with thoughts to share and she was the only one worthy of sharing it to... but she seem to be nowhere in my atmosphere so i just left her the one thing i truly wanted to tell her which is....THANK YOU, GREAT ONE... FOR DOING WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU DID! and to God Almighty, i pray that He continue to grant me strength of faith and wisdom to discern the lessons laid before me... I THANK YOU, LORD FOR ALL THESE... FOR IN MY WEAKNESS YOU SHOWED YOUR STRENGTH... IN MY MISTAKE, YOU SHOW YOUR GLORY... I'M GLAD TO BE OF USE DESPITE MY INABILITY... MY HOPEFUL HEART WILL FOREVER BE GRATEFUL TO YOUR TRUST IN ME... I IN TURN TRUST YOU ALL THE MORE... LET US MOVE ALONG NOW TOWARDS MY PATH... AS YOU HEAL ME INSIDE AND OUT... MAY I PASS YOUR GRACE TO OTHERS EVEN JUST BY CONTINUING TO SMILE AMIDST MY BURNS.

burning lights

burning lights Originally uploaded by jdthinker

nov42007, sometime before lunch, i got scorched... while somebody's enjoying the baked mac i cooked, i was wincing in pain... i won't be working for a while... i'll be in recluse for weeks... 1st thought was this is part of God's plan for me... 2nd thought, i have time for my tree sketches and reading and my course study... 2nd&1/2 thought, will there be scars? 3rd thought, i won't be of use for a while. 3rd&1/2 thought, won't be online for at least a week... but, here i am now... the pain has eased, so i can at least blog about this to mark the day... i told my kins and friends that i look like a sunburned cat.... but i know the wounds will heal and hopefully leave no mark... what i do wish is not to miss the lesson i am to learn in this experience... i know it's not just being careful in lighting the oven next time... there is something more... deeper than the burns.. change is definitely here! i'll qoute the poem i read sometime ago... "and you are in no more in control than a feather is off the wind. all you know is that the force moving you is strong that you just hang in wonder." okay! so i'm a feather in the wind... currently burnt on the edges, but knowing me... i'm bound to find something hopeful in all this...

remembering and letting go

i am still most uncertain of what is to be... i think i will not push things anymore... as i've said... it's tiring and you get to lose most of yourself if you just keep hitting walls... but i find it easier to get on with my day if i just don't expect anything at all... found this poem on an article from yesterday's newspaper. quite lovely! the author found it in a book, Live Like You Were Dying by Tom Nichols and Craig Wiseman: We're All Terminal --- Some of us are just lucky enough to know it. Life is a spiritual journey. And sometimes all you have to do is show up and have a little faith that something completely amazing is possible any day. And every now and then, right when we least expect it, something amazing does happen. And you are no more in control than a feather is of the wind. All you know is that the force moving you is so strong that you just hang in wonder. There is nothing but the moment and the sense of dancing with angels. today(all soul's day), i remember, all the souls i know, who have gone before me... yesterday (all saint's day), as a true filipino tradition we trekked to the cemetery and stayed there for the day... a festive day for remembering love ones... hoping that each of our departed love ones have become a saint or is closer to God and are praying for us as we are praying for them...

why i 'd rather think...

why i 'd rather think... Originally uploaded by jdthinker

today, i am much in thoughts again... about nothing and everything... i do not know why... i just feel quite odd... but i feel some relief in a way that i do not have to worry much... i feel i need to write something... i sketched another tree today and spent the afternoon with my little cousin... having a grand time watching him and my sister try to fly a kite... my younger brother and i went to market in the evening to check out what flowers to buy for all saint's day... tomorrow he start to arrange the... both sets of grandparents' graves and some other relatives... i just go be a big suggestion box and comment... but i will try later tonight to make some names to put on the tombstone... for some sore soul stole my paternal grandfolks metal names and so their graves are nameless and my kins haven't thought of getting one made... ah well... for now... i feel kinda sore as well, for my mom has been really a "big encouraging energy" and my dad his usual "boosting self"... my sibs are likewise... but then what should i worry when God is willing give me the things that they didn't.

my vote

my vote Originally uploaded by jdthinker

this time.... i'm part of the change. i'm part of the hope for this community and country... while last election, i was away so as to be on a journey of self-discovery... now God is telling me i am part of the things becoming. while before, i felt so left alone and non-existent and totally not important... God is telling me now, that i am needed. hope is here. my vote counts. this time. i will.

love's divine

tree sketch pa rin Originally uploaded by jdthinker

I need love, love's divine. Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind. Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name. Through the rainstorm came sanctuary, And I felt my spirit fly. I had found all of my reality, I realize what it takes. 'Cause I need love, love's divine. Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind. Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name. Oh I don't bend [don't bend], don't break [don't break. Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake, 'Cause love can help me know my name. Well I try to say there's nothing wrong, But inside I felt me lying all along. But the message here was plain to see: Believe me. 'Cause I need love, love's divine. Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind. Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name. --- seal

blank and hoping

i really have nothing to write. but my hands wanted to tap on the keys to release these thoughts that are not so nice... i have said that i will wait patiently.. and i am trying my hardest to... but God's blessed silence can really tax a weak sinner's soul... so here i am... aimless and litless... almost wanting to throw the towel and forget about all this... needing encouragement dearly and no one is there to give one. i only asked for a sign and even that is deterred... "hold on, not just yet." God seems to be telling me... but i seem to be out of patience... doubting magnificently and pretending to be on the right track... who am i fooling? myself? my thoughts, have they dropped back to my old thinking? has the negative river surged back? why is that? i am on a journey of faith... i have said it time and again that i trust in God's love for me. why question now? even Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta suffered from the silence of God. there is a lesson i have to learn here. who will tell me what it is? my mentor is gone or seem to be... no reply or whisper whatsoever... my excited self at the start of this journey is now... for the first time in months... lost! but God is with me, ain't He? if i really have faith then my doubts are invalid. no one on earth has the power to tell me or not tell me what i am. i am only accountable to God. but are my actions enough to redeem my past wrongs? of thoughts said, shared and written ... sent too soon... bad timing and all. my hands are empty. i've said that before, nothing more to give. they are longing for someone to hold them, to grasp at, to steady my being... and there is no one around... not anyone that is capable, anyhow. everyone around me is dependent on me... whom am i going to depend on? i know... God! i know, but do i really believe that? have my inner being realized that God alone is my strength and stronghold? i may know... but does my heart? the very great soul, told me a truth many months back, " you only have a head knowledge of God..." that very line set me on this journey... discovering myself and life and God... i wonder if she know... how much she have influenced my life. and now... there is only silence. is it for sharing too much of my thoughts? unedited or otherwise, out of context and silly... geez! how do you say sorry if there is no harm done? or if you are not sure if you were off? is there an excuse for naivety? is stupidity a sin? later, i write a letter anew... who knows if and when it will be sent. maybe the last piece of me to give away... after that, it's goodbye. i do not want to be of harm to anyone... that is why, i never really talk much... but when it comes to writing... words just come out... without time to edit. but i still hope. today is the feast day of the saint i am named after, St. Jude Thaddeus... the patron of lost causes... is my cause lost? am i in despair? am i hopeless? i dunno... maybe... but in my heart there seems to be a screaming.. yes, i am! but in my mind i believe that my woes are far too small to be worried about. i'm sorry... i am a confused being at the moment. i go battle my doubts now and hopefully my hopeful heart will win and my faith will be stronger. i really have nothing to do but wait... because i do not want to throw myself again... even if i am flooded with the enemy's ploy of fears and doubts... i am still in the hands of God... and i do not want to insult Him again with my doubts. people down here may not be all helpful but God will always be there to reach out to me... He will hear my cry... passed the clouds and my broken self will be there before him and He will make me whole. "God is willing to give you what your family didn't." --- Max Lucado... i may not have the most encouraging environment at the moment and my kindred mind may have gone somewhere else or even hate me... but... as i press on this journey feeling almost alone... i know and believe that i am not... nope. that is not head knowledge. that is a heartened conviction... because even if i struggle with doubts and fears... Jesus has already conquered the world for me... these things are just here to keep me from getting bored and fruitless... what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, ain't it? i do not want to die without doing the mission God has for me... i will continue this fight... and fight it with my faith... though, weak at the moment, the Holy Spirit will be there to sustain it. nope! no human soul can stunt my progress... not even the very one whom i considered great... i may falter, i may fall... but i'll get up... it's the trying that what counts... and i'd rather die trying than be afraid to try... so... i carry on again. trying, hoping, trusting and believing in the Power far greater than my thoughts. "I LOVE YOU, LORD, MY STRENGTH." St. Jude Thaddeus, please pray for me.

all there is

there is nothing for me to do... i have exhausted all measures and burned all the lines... nothing... nothing more... i wait anew... what else can i do... i go be like abraham... putting his entire faith in God's promise yet not even sure if he'll live to see it fulfilled... i want to be that... i want to have such faith... " Lord Jesus, help me... i need you!... i can not do this alone..."

stone in my shoe

trying Originally uploaded by jdthinker

" i sneezed another brave idea i wanna come look for you and it'll be wonderful if i ever get there but if i fall will there be another stone in my shoe making it harder to come back to you another stone in my shoe and if i fly lift your eyes as my paper boat sails away could it be too late or is our fate another stone in my shoe' --- alisha's attic, stone in my shoe

soaked one

soaked one Originally uploaded by jdthinker

"everything is grace." --- St. Ignatius. " both the good and bad things that come to us is a blessing from God." the young priest said during mass yesterday. i had wondered if i am worthy of any of it... but then, i been riding in God's hands and i'm seeing things rather differently... today's bible quote says something along similar lines... " do not worry about anything, but everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. " phil 4:6-7 a most inspiring quote for this new day... :) even if things are not really certain at the moment... i kinda feel better than the past week... i'm actually listening to my hopeful songs instead of my melancholic ones...

what now?

earlier today, it was raining but it's sunny at the same time... them moments, when you think of the old tale about kind spirits getting married... something kinda magical... was looking for the rainbow but the sun was too high... last night, i took a brave move yet again... i laid my thoughts down again and hoped for the best... i told you about this newness but i seemed to be as restless as the wind... i go to every nook and cranny and seep thru things; hoping to find a secret spot to rest, only to realize that they are all taken i have to look elsewhere... sad! but what can i do? i chose this. in line with my current journey... i have no choice but to press on alone... there is no turning back... only forward... and like jane siberry singing, "it can't rain all the time... the sky won't fall forever." although i love the rain, too much rain will kill me because i get chills rather easily... besides, i don't know how to swim so i'll drown in the flood. God is with me! i say that a lot. like memos to self that i keep forgetting. but he is. for if he wasn't then i will be in a far, far, far worse state. i wanted to say goodbye to someone. sever ties.. but i can't seem to... it seems if i do... someone else will take the place and it will only cause my ruin... i may be broken but i'm able... God is healing me... this phase is temporary... like the silence of God that blessed mother teresa suffered... this is it, as well... stillness... another wait, yet again. but this time i won't be doing it doggedly... there is nothing i can do anymore... i've exhausted all avenues... burn all the lines... went as far as i can... i hit myself with a hammer and hoped that the pain wouldn't be so grand... i think of two lives... remarkably contrasting... not a single thing in common and yet crossed paths... thru God's blessed planning... he must surely have a reason for all these. ah well! so be it... my hands are empty. there is nothing more to give... if i made the shot... then i did... if i screwed things up... then i should learn to live with it... be a big girl... my thoughts will never ease... but there is nothing more to be said on this subject until something develops... or a sign is given... i will only repeat everything i said and wrote already... phrased differently but along the same thoughts... there is indeed nothing more i can do." all in your hands, my Lord... all in your mighty hands... your are driving for me so i am certain that all is well... and will be well... your will be done and not mine."

faith... enter in.

faith come in Originally uploaded by jdthinker

i took a brave step some time last year... pushed open the door and entered into another world... something i wasn't used to... although it's like a familiar place but seen in different eyes or something... here i am at ends of my wits... the world have exhausted all that i am... but i'm steady in a way... because God has a great grip on me and i get my strength from him... my thoughts may sometimes be doubtful and negative... but from what i feel now, i am not the same person as i was before... today, i took yet another brave step... like crossing a bridge. i just don't know where it will lead... all i know is a conclusion... each thought is a reminder to pray for a blessed soul because she may need it far more... and i have a special link... a common friend that is Christ Jesus... so, all will be well... after all, it is God who led me here... paths crossed and lives intertwined, one way or another... true. for this time last year, i do not know about this part of my life... only fear and doubt of the unknown... not fully aware of the world outside my own... but God has planned my journey, He sent someone to slap me to my senses... and i know He's still planning rest... so i press on in faith... believing and trusting in His love for me...

on my way...

redeemed Originally uploaded by jdthinker

today is your day! your mountain is waiting. so get on your way. --- dr. seuss so goes the message from... today's advice... gives me hope to press on...

marbled thoughts

marbled thoughts Originally uploaded by jdthinker

i love the rain but some times they remind me of things that are uncertain and moments at not in my hands... need to sustain my faith... a moment of grace to strengthen my conviction... but natalie imbruglia's song glorious had given me a sense of hope in a way... and no matter how much things get blurry and all ... i've got nothing to lose and find but God... i must strengthen my faith in Him and all will follow... he will not let me fall back and lose my way even if my human mentor has left me... i'm bound to have a glorious day soon!

raining thoughts again

incompletion Originally uploaded by jdthinker

" it requires courage to share, whether for speaker or listener, for much of what we share are fears and doubts (and we always hope these fall on ears mature and let the receivers not be judgmental.) the process of getting to know oneself is truly frightening that is why we need support. one cannot become a whole person without such self-knowledge. --- Gilda Cordero-Fernando... an excerpt from her book a spiritual pillow book... a really lovely read... my current thought is somewhat related... more so it's about... sharing and hitting walls. i have braved and shared a piece of myself only i am quite uncertain on the effect of it to the one i shared it to... i am scared of this friendship... so unme to be able to share to someone i don't know very well... but i did. and i did so without much difficulty or struggle on my part... but i seem to have hit a wall... and that is what is scaring me... have i said too much? said the wrong things? strained the link too much? i don't know. i have no clue of what to expect... i used to be too doubtful and untrusting of everyone and everything... but i know i am not the same person as before... this journey that i embarked upon may still be in the beginning stage... but it's far , way too far off to turn back. i may not be sure of anything except that i don't want to drop back... "God will complete your incompletions.", Joel Osteen said. so i am quite certain that whatever it is that i am not sure of will find certainty in the coming days... after all God have done a lot of unplanned things for me in this journey of faith... these are just regular bumps on the roads that i have to bear... i know that i may seem alone in this but i am not... i am so not! God is with me, he is driving... i just need to be a big girl on this and press on... even if the people around me turn out to be either crabs and walls... they are there for me to scale... to get to where God has planned for me... thankfully, i have my arts to turn to... to loosen my stressed self... so greatness... again, i say if you do not need me... please let me be... but then that seem to be not the direction the wind is going... i still sense things amidst... i will continue to pray for enlightenment... there is much to learn... i've let God be God... and so be it... like a fallen leaf... i the wind carry me off to where i am best needed... "your will be done, my Lord. and not mine."

off i go...

off i go... Originally uploaded by jdthinker

from today's catextism: prayer is asking for rain. faith is carrying the umbrella. i like that... helps me keep the faith on this trek i'm journeying to... it sure is lovely to walk in the rain with someone... it seems pretty lonely if you're splashing in puddles alone...

culture hunt

" our memories reach back no further than yesterday; we are, as it were, strangers to ourselves.... that is but a natural consequence to a culture that consists entirely of imports and imitation... we absorb all our ideas ready-made, and therefore the indelible trace left in the mind by a progressive movement of ideas, which gives strength, does not shape our intellect... we are like children who have not been taught to think for themselves: when they become adults, they have nothing of their own --- all their knowledge is on the surface of their being, their soul is not within them " ---pyotr chaadaev --- this is taken from the foreword by randolf s. david in the book kapwa-the self in the other by katrin m. de guia i have yet to read it fully... and in reading it, i hope to find an answer to this cultural hunt of mine...

raining thoughts

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

birthday rain

this is a copy of what i wrote in my other blog for my birthday... same thoughts i wanted to share but didn't have the time last night... too tired... i have only minutes left to savor this day... i chose to write down my thoughts... let's see... how has my day gone? i blogged my first wee hour and spent the rest in quiet reflection... talking to God about my year... i heard mass at 8am and the priest's homily tells of Christ inviting us to "come and see..." to come and be in touch with Him... how apt... i took a picture of the altar after the mass... the red altar cloth and flowers calls to me, Christ on the cross speaks to me to tell me how much he loves me, and to say: "happy birthday... today we begin another chapter on your journey... do not be afraid, I will be with you..." I had planned a dinner for my kins, spontaneously... so i did some grocery... thanked the greeters and then went on ahead with the day's workload... which was a lot... the takings and rushings, clients and all... plus i have to cook and prep... so i juggled celebrating with work and still found time to wander out the yard to take pictures of God's art gifts for me... while there, seeing hopeful hints in seemingly forlorn places... i felt He asked me what i wished for... i said, 'what else is there to ask, Lord... you've given so much recently already...' and then a sudden thought crossed my mind... 'one blessed smiley face will be fine.' but i do not want to make demands so i just told God 'whatever it is you plan for me... ' while i was cooking merienda for my workers, the lowland white eye chirped for me... wonderful! verde the bird, came back to say a greeting... while i was preparing for my guests... my cousins,inc... sent a surprise cake, balloons and gifts in lieu of not being able to come... they so know my kiddie heart is so easy to please... i forgive them because of birthday and bedtime bear... after a while... it rained... really hard... torrents and torrents of it... with lightning and thunder... i said to myself...' God knows i love the rain so he gave me this much...' i went out for a while and took pictures of the rain, too. it was early evening... will my guests brave the rain? i said whoever will come will be those that are meant to spend my day with me... after the rain... some kins made it, them thoughtful ones... and a surprise! one from my good friend whom i haven't seen in a long while... and then Mama Mary... the block rosary image of Our Mother of Perpetual Help came too... what a guest list! as i was seeing my friend off.. i saw the last quarter moon up in the night sky... i took pictures again... another gift from my Almighty Father... i have this philosophy that it isn't the number of people around you that matters... i'm best me with just a intimate circle who genuinely cares... it's not the material gifts... it's seeing which are the real and true gifts... my birthday officially ends right now... and i have an eternal thankful heart to the Giver of Life... my delicate birth meant something... it's been 30 odd years now... thru the intercession of the Blessed Mother and St. Jude and the prayers of all those who cared for me... i lived... i survived dying at the time of my birth because of the will of God and His grace... i know, i am meant for something! He has a plan which is now unfolding... again i say, something is amidst... i will be patiently waiting for my cue... for now i just be... so, today, i am born anew... in faith... in spirit... my special self still healing where things are broken... braving and trusting where fear and doubts once abound... running my race... journeying towards my horizon... always the dreamer, the thinker, the hopeful heart... trying my hardest to be... most certain now that Christ is with me. thank you to everyone who's been part of my life/world one way or another.... and a great thank you to God, my Loving Father... for everything from today's catextism: give thanks for a little and you will find a lot. --- the House of Nigeria a really fave quote: when you are striving to get out of the forest of your imperfections, the universe will nudge you a long. you will meet the people who will help you discover who you really are...MNF ps: special thanks to a great soul for cheering me on and somehow traveling with me.