sleeping

it took five minutes of my time, but i didn't realize it until it was over. and during that moment, other people's lives went on, while mine stood still. i slept. nothing fascinating, but somehow, the catnap triggered an alarm in my head. there seem to be a voice saying, " you have to wake up, sleepyhead." this wasn't about the forty winks i just had, but of the slumber that i still have to wake up from. the one, i'm still dreaming in, where some dreams can turn into nightmares. and now as i stir to wake, one such nightmare has me by the neck and refuses to let go. my passion in life seems non-existent. i have wasted so much time trying to do what others expected of me. all my dreams seem way too unreachable to pursue. i fear i am going nowhere and that my entire being has been wasted. i don't know, i feel so hopeless. over two decades old and i feel my only accomplishments are improvised pasta recipes, half-finished essays and drawings of clothes for vain women. i usually find something good in everything, but recently, everything seem so desolate and everyone seem impossible. i do not understand. am i going thru a phase? or is this another of life's blows? somehow death knocking at my door seem more appealing than this... my heart feels so heavy. i am so tired. may be i should just give up and let this nightmare consume me... no! i am stronger and wiser than how i portray myself to be. i know all these things happened because i let it. i chose these things. somehow they are the results of my choices a long time ago. i can only think of one way to fight this nightmare. and that is to arm myself with faith, God will help me turn it to a sweeter dream. and i will be hopeful again. (import this from my other blog ---- i wrote this prose several years back... chancing upon it again... i realized how similar things were then with this journey i'm going thru... may differ in some levels but in many ways the same... like trekking the same path only with different gears... i believe it's God's way of purifying my faith... i am still being chiseled and crafted according to His perfection...)