why i 'd rather think...

why i 'd rather think... Originally uploaded by jdthinker

today, i am much in thoughts again... about nothing and everything... i do not know why... i just feel quite odd... but i feel some relief in a way that i do not have to worry much... i feel i need to write something... i sketched another tree today and spent the afternoon with my little cousin... having a grand time watching him and my sister try to fly a kite... my younger brother and i went to market in the evening to check out what flowers to buy for all saint's day... tomorrow he start to arrange the... both sets of grandparents' graves and some other relatives... i just go be a big suggestion box and comment... but i will try later tonight to make some names to put on the tombstone... for some sore soul stole my paternal grandfolks metal names and so their graves are nameless and my kins haven't thought of getting one made... ah well... for now... i feel kinda sore as well, for my mom has been really a "big encouraging energy" and my dad his usual "boosting self"... my sibs are likewise... but then what should i worry when God is willing give me the things that they didn't.

my vote

my vote Originally uploaded by jdthinker

this time.... i'm part of the change. i'm part of the hope for this community and country... while last election, i was away so as to be on a journey of self-discovery... now God is telling me i am part of the things becoming. while before, i felt so left alone and non-existent and totally not important... God is telling me now, that i am needed. hope is here. my vote counts. this time. i will.

love's divine

tree sketch pa rin Originally uploaded by jdthinker

I need love, love's divine. Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind. Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name. Through the rainstorm came sanctuary, And I felt my spirit fly. I had found all of my reality, I realize what it takes. 'Cause I need love, love's divine. Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind. Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name. Oh I don't bend [don't bend], don't break [don't break. Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake, 'Cause love can help me know my name. Well I try to say there's nothing wrong, But inside I felt me lying all along. But the message here was plain to see: Believe me. 'Cause I need love, love's divine. Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind. Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name. --- seal

blank and hoping

i really have nothing to write. but my hands wanted to tap on the keys to release these thoughts that are not so nice... i have said that i will wait patiently.. and i am trying my hardest to... but God's blessed silence can really tax a weak sinner's soul... so here i am... aimless and litless... almost wanting to throw the towel and forget about all this... needing encouragement dearly and no one is there to give one. i only asked for a sign and even that is deterred... "hold on, not just yet." God seems to be telling me... but i seem to be out of patience... doubting magnificently and pretending to be on the right track... who am i fooling? myself? my thoughts, have they dropped back to my old thinking? has the negative river surged back? why is that? i am on a journey of faith... i have said it time and again that i trust in God's love for me. why question now? even Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta suffered from the silence of God. there is a lesson i have to learn here. who will tell me what it is? my mentor is gone or seem to be... no reply or whisper whatsoever... my excited self at the start of this journey is now... for the first time in months... lost! but God is with me, ain't He? if i really have faith then my doubts are invalid. no one on earth has the power to tell me or not tell me what i am. i am only accountable to God. but are my actions enough to redeem my past wrongs? of thoughts said, shared and written ... sent too soon... bad timing and all. my hands are empty. i've said that before, nothing more to give. they are longing for someone to hold them, to grasp at, to steady my being... and there is no one around... not anyone that is capable, anyhow. everyone around me is dependent on me... whom am i going to depend on? i know... God! i know, but do i really believe that? have my inner being realized that God alone is my strength and stronghold? i may know... but does my heart? the very great soul, told me a truth many months back, " you only have a head knowledge of God..." that very line set me on this journey... discovering myself and life and God... i wonder if she know... how much she have influenced my life. and now... there is only silence. is it for sharing too much of my thoughts? unedited or otherwise, out of context and silly... geez! how do you say sorry if there is no harm done? or if you are not sure if you were off? is there an excuse for naivety? is stupidity a sin? later, i write a letter anew... who knows if and when it will be sent. maybe the last piece of me to give away... after that, it's goodbye. i do not want to be of harm to anyone... that is why, i never really talk much... but when it comes to writing... words just come out... without time to edit. but i still hope. today is the feast day of the saint i am named after, St. Jude Thaddeus... the patron of lost causes... is my cause lost? am i in despair? am i hopeless? i dunno... maybe... but in my heart there seems to be a screaming.. yes, i am! but in my mind i believe that my woes are far too small to be worried about. i'm sorry... i am a confused being at the moment. i go battle my doubts now and hopefully my hopeful heart will win and my faith will be stronger. i really have nothing to do but wait... because i do not want to throw myself again... even if i am flooded with the enemy's ploy of fears and doubts... i am still in the hands of God... and i do not want to insult Him again with my doubts. people down here may not be all helpful but God will always be there to reach out to me... He will hear my cry... passed the clouds and my broken self will be there before him and He will make me whole. "God is willing to give you what your family didn't." --- Max Lucado... i may not have the most encouraging environment at the moment and my kindred mind may have gone somewhere else or even hate me... but... as i press on this journey feeling almost alone... i know and believe that i am not... nope. that is not head knowledge. that is a heartened conviction... because even if i struggle with doubts and fears... Jesus has already conquered the world for me... these things are just here to keep me from getting bored and fruitless... what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, ain't it? i do not want to die without doing the mission God has for me... i will continue this fight... and fight it with my faith... though, weak at the moment, the Holy Spirit will be there to sustain it. nope! no human soul can stunt my progress... not even the very one whom i considered great... i may falter, i may fall... but i'll get up... it's the trying that what counts... and i'd rather die trying than be afraid to try... so... i carry on again. trying, hoping, trusting and believing in the Power far greater than my thoughts. "I LOVE YOU, LORD, MY STRENGTH." St. Jude Thaddeus, please pray for me.

all there is

there is nothing for me to do... i have exhausted all measures and burned all the lines... nothing... nothing more... i wait anew... what else can i do... i go be like abraham... putting his entire faith in God's promise yet not even sure if he'll live to see it fulfilled... i want to be that... i want to have such faith... " Lord Jesus, help me... i need you!... i can not do this alone..."

stone in my shoe

trying Originally uploaded by jdthinker

" i sneezed another brave idea i wanna come look for you and it'll be wonderful if i ever get there but if i fall will there be another stone in my shoe making it harder to come back to you another stone in my shoe and if i fly lift your eyes as my paper boat sails away could it be too late or is our fate another stone in my shoe' --- alisha's attic, stone in my shoe

soaked one

soaked one Originally uploaded by jdthinker

"everything is grace." --- St. Ignatius. " both the good and bad things that come to us is a blessing from God." the young priest said during mass yesterday. i had wondered if i am worthy of any of it... but then, i been riding in God's hands and i'm seeing things rather differently... today's bible quote says something along similar lines... " do not worry about anything, but everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. " phil 4:6-7 a most inspiring quote for this new day... :) even if things are not really certain at the moment... i kinda feel better than the past week... i'm actually listening to my hopeful songs instead of my melancholic ones...

what now?

earlier today, it was raining but it's sunny at the same time... them moments, when you think of the old tale about kind spirits getting married... something kinda magical... was looking for the rainbow but the sun was too high... last night, i took a brave move yet again... i laid my thoughts down again and hoped for the best... i told you about this newness but i seemed to be as restless as the wind... i go to every nook and cranny and seep thru things; hoping to find a secret spot to rest, only to realize that they are all taken i have to look elsewhere... sad! but what can i do? i chose this. in line with my current journey... i have no choice but to press on alone... there is no turning back... only forward... and like jane siberry singing, "it can't rain all the time... the sky won't fall forever." although i love the rain, too much rain will kill me because i get chills rather easily... besides, i don't know how to swim so i'll drown in the flood. God is with me! i say that a lot. like memos to self that i keep forgetting. but he is. for if he wasn't then i will be in a far, far, far worse state. i wanted to say goodbye to someone. sever ties.. but i can't seem to... it seems if i do... someone else will take the place and it will only cause my ruin... i may be broken but i'm able... God is healing me... this phase is temporary... like the silence of God that blessed mother teresa suffered... this is it, as well... stillness... another wait, yet again. but this time i won't be doing it doggedly... there is nothing i can do anymore... i've exhausted all avenues... burn all the lines... went as far as i can... i hit myself with a hammer and hoped that the pain wouldn't be so grand... i think of two lives... remarkably contrasting... not a single thing in common and yet crossed paths... thru God's blessed planning... he must surely have a reason for all these. ah well! so be it... my hands are empty. there is nothing more to give... if i made the shot... then i did... if i screwed things up... then i should learn to live with it... be a big girl... my thoughts will never ease... but there is nothing more to be said on this subject until something develops... or a sign is given... i will only repeat everything i said and wrote already... phrased differently but along the same thoughts... there is indeed nothing more i can do." all in your hands, my Lord... all in your mighty hands... your are driving for me so i am certain that all is well... and will be well... your will be done and not mine."

faith... enter in.

faith come in Originally uploaded by jdthinker

i took a brave step some time last year... pushed open the door and entered into another world... something i wasn't used to... although it's like a familiar place but seen in different eyes or something... here i am at ends of my wits... the world have exhausted all that i am... but i'm steady in a way... because God has a great grip on me and i get my strength from him... my thoughts may sometimes be doubtful and negative... but from what i feel now, i am not the same person as i was before... today, i took yet another brave step... like crossing a bridge. i just don't know where it will lead... all i know is a conclusion... each thought is a reminder to pray for a blessed soul because she may need it far more... and i have a special link... a common friend that is Christ Jesus... so, all will be well... after all, it is God who led me here... paths crossed and lives intertwined, one way or another... true. for this time last year, i do not know about this part of my life... only fear and doubt of the unknown... not fully aware of the world outside my own... but God has planned my journey, He sent someone to slap me to my senses... and i know He's still planning rest... so i press on in faith... believing and trusting in His love for me...

on my way...

redeemed Originally uploaded by jdthinker

today is your day! your mountain is waiting. so get on your way. --- dr. seuss so goes the message from... today's advice... gives me hope to press on...

marbled thoughts

marbled thoughts Originally uploaded by jdthinker

i love the rain but some times they remind me of things that are uncertain and moments at not in my hands... need to sustain my faith... a moment of grace to strengthen my conviction... but natalie imbruglia's song glorious had given me a sense of hope in a way... and no matter how much things get blurry and all ... i've got nothing to lose and find but God... i must strengthen my faith in Him and all will follow... he will not let me fall back and lose my way even if my human mentor has left me... i'm bound to have a glorious day soon!

raining thoughts again

incompletion Originally uploaded by jdthinker

" it requires courage to share, whether for speaker or listener, for much of what we share are fears and doubts (and we always hope these fall on ears mature and let the receivers not be judgmental.) the process of getting to know oneself is truly frightening that is why we need support. one cannot become a whole person without such self-knowledge. --- Gilda Cordero-Fernando... an excerpt from her book a spiritual pillow book... a really lovely read... my current thought is somewhat related... more so it's about... sharing and hitting walls. i have braved and shared a piece of myself only i am quite uncertain on the effect of it to the one i shared it to... i am scared of this friendship... so unme to be able to share to someone i don't know very well... but i did. and i did so without much difficulty or struggle on my part... but i seem to have hit a wall... and that is what is scaring me... have i said too much? said the wrong things? strained the link too much? i don't know. i have no clue of what to expect... i used to be too doubtful and untrusting of everyone and everything... but i know i am not the same person as before... this journey that i embarked upon may still be in the beginning stage... but it's far , way too far off to turn back. i may not be sure of anything except that i don't want to drop back... "God will complete your incompletions.", Joel Osteen said. so i am quite certain that whatever it is that i am not sure of will find certainty in the coming days... after all God have done a lot of unplanned things for me in this journey of faith... these are just regular bumps on the roads that i have to bear... i know that i may seem alone in this but i am not... i am so not! God is with me, he is driving... i just need to be a big girl on this and press on... even if the people around me turn out to be either crabs and walls... they are there for me to scale... to get to where God has planned for me... thankfully, i have my arts to turn to... to loosen my stressed self... so greatness... again, i say if you do not need me... please let me be... but then that seem to be not the direction the wind is going... i still sense things amidst... i will continue to pray for enlightenment... there is much to learn... i've let God be God... and so be it... like a fallen leaf... i the wind carry me off to where i am best needed... "your will be done, my Lord. and not mine."