what now?

earlier today, it was raining but it's sunny at the same time... them moments, when you think of the old tale about kind spirits getting married... something kinda magical... was looking for the rainbow but the sun was too high... last night, i took a brave move yet again... i laid my thoughts down again and hoped for the best... i told you about this newness but i seemed to be as restless as the wind... i go to every nook and cranny and seep thru things; hoping to find a secret spot to rest, only to realize that they are all taken i have to look elsewhere... sad! but what can i do? i chose this. in line with my current journey... i have no choice but to press on alone... there is no turning back... only forward... and like jane siberry singing, "it can't rain all the time... the sky won't fall forever." although i love the rain, too much rain will kill me because i get chills rather easily... besides, i don't know how to swim so i'll drown in the flood. God is with me! i say that a lot. like memos to self that i keep forgetting. but he is. for if he wasn't then i will be in a far, far, far worse state. i wanted to say goodbye to someone. sever ties.. but i can't seem to... it seems if i do... someone else will take the place and it will only cause my ruin... i may be broken but i'm able... God is healing me... this phase is temporary... like the silence of God that blessed mother teresa suffered... this is it, as well... stillness... another wait, yet again. but this time i won't be doing it doggedly... there is nothing i can do anymore... i've exhausted all avenues... burn all the lines... went as far as i can... i hit myself with a hammer and hoped that the pain wouldn't be so grand... i think of two lives... remarkably contrasting... not a single thing in common and yet crossed paths... thru God's blessed planning... he must surely have a reason for all these. ah well! so be it... my hands are empty. there is nothing more to give... if i made the shot... then i did... if i screwed things up... then i should learn to live with it... be a big girl... my thoughts will never ease... but there is nothing more to be said on this subject until something develops... or a sign is given... i will only repeat everything i said and wrote already... phrased differently but along the same thoughts... there is indeed nothing more i can do." all in your hands, my Lord... all in your mighty hands... your are driving for me so i am certain that all is well... and will be well... your will be done and not mine."