blank and hoping

i really have nothing to write. but my hands wanted to tap on the keys to release these thoughts that are not so nice... i have said that i will wait patiently.. and i am trying my hardest to... but God's blessed silence can really tax a weak sinner's soul... so here i am... aimless and litless... almost wanting to throw the towel and forget about all this... needing encouragement dearly and no one is there to give one. i only asked for a sign and even that is deterred... "hold on, not just yet." God seems to be telling me... but i seem to be out of patience... doubting magnificently and pretending to be on the right track... who am i fooling? myself? my thoughts, have they dropped back to my old thinking? has the negative river surged back? why is that? i am on a journey of faith... i have said it time and again that i trust in God's love for me. why question now? even Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta suffered from the silence of God. there is a lesson i have to learn here. who will tell me what it is? my mentor is gone or seem to be... no reply or whisper whatsoever... my excited self at the start of this journey is now... for the first time in months... lost! but God is with me, ain't He? if i really have faith then my doubts are invalid. no one on earth has the power to tell me or not tell me what i am. i am only accountable to God. but are my actions enough to redeem my past wrongs? of thoughts said, shared and written ... sent too soon... bad timing and all. my hands are empty. i've said that before, nothing more to give. they are longing for someone to hold them, to grasp at, to steady my being... and there is no one around... not anyone that is capable, anyhow. everyone around me is dependent on me... whom am i going to depend on? i know... God! i know, but do i really believe that? have my inner being realized that God alone is my strength and stronghold? i may know... but does my heart? the very great soul, told me a truth many months back, " you only have a head knowledge of God..." that very line set me on this journey... discovering myself and life and God... i wonder if she know... how much she have influenced my life. and now... there is only silence. is it for sharing too much of my thoughts? unedited or otherwise, out of context and silly... geez! how do you say sorry if there is no harm done? or if you are not sure if you were off? is there an excuse for naivety? is stupidity a sin? later, i write a letter anew... who knows if and when it will be sent. maybe the last piece of me to give away... after that, it's goodbye. i do not want to be of harm to anyone... that is why, i never really talk much... but when it comes to writing... words just come out... without time to edit. but i still hope. today is the feast day of the saint i am named after, St. Jude Thaddeus... the patron of lost causes... is my cause lost? am i in despair? am i hopeless? i dunno... maybe... but in my heart there seems to be a screaming.. yes, i am! but in my mind i believe that my woes are far too small to be worried about. i'm sorry... i am a confused being at the moment. i go battle my doubts now and hopefully my hopeful heart will win and my faith will be stronger. i really have nothing to do but wait... because i do not want to throw myself again... even if i am flooded with the enemy's ploy of fears and doubts... i am still in the hands of God... and i do not want to insult Him again with my doubts. people down here may not be all helpful but God will always be there to reach out to me... He will hear my cry... passed the clouds and my broken self will be there before him and He will make me whole. "God is willing to give you what your family didn't." --- Max Lucado... i may not have the most encouraging environment at the moment and my kindred mind may have gone somewhere else or even hate me... but... as i press on this journey feeling almost alone... i know and believe that i am not... nope. that is not head knowledge. that is a heartened conviction... because even if i struggle with doubts and fears... Jesus has already conquered the world for me... these things are just here to keep me from getting bored and fruitless... what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, ain't it? i do not want to die without doing the mission God has for me... i will continue this fight... and fight it with my faith... though, weak at the moment, the Holy Spirit will be there to sustain it. nope! no human soul can stunt my progress... not even the very one whom i considered great... i may falter, i may fall... but i'll get up... it's the trying that what counts... and i'd rather die trying than be afraid to try... so... i carry on again. trying, hoping, trusting and believing in the Power far greater than my thoughts. "I LOVE YOU, LORD, MY STRENGTH." St. Jude Thaddeus, please pray for me.